Not Talking About Your Feelings: Why We Hold Things In

Not talking about your feelings is one of the most ordinary things people do. Some of us learned it young. Some of us do it to protect other people, or because we have no words yet. It isn't a character flaw, and it isn't always a problem.

It can become one when holding back stops being a choice. This article looks at why people keep feelings to themselves, what research does and doesn't say about it, and some small ways to say a little more, if and when you want to.

Why people don't talk about their feelings

The reasons are usually sensible, at least where they began. They tend to come from something a person learned about what happens after they speak.

You learned it at home. In some families, feelings weren't discussed. Nobody had to forbid it. You simply never saw it done.

You don't want to be a burden. Everyone seems busy, or has troubles of their own, so yours can wait. They often wait for years.

You spoke once and it went badly. You were laughed at, lectured, or told it would be fine. It only takes a few of those to teach you to stop.

You don't know what you feel. There is just a heaviness, or a tightness, or nothing much at all. It's hard to talk about something you can't name.

You worry about what happens next. Saying it might change how someone sees you, or make the thing more real, or start a conversation you can't get out of.

You're told you're coping. If you are the reliable one, there can be a lot of pressure to stay that way.

You may recognise more than one of these. None of them means something is wrong with you.

Holding back isn't always a problem

Choosing not to talk about something is different from feeling that you can't.

Everyone keeps some feelings private, and that's healthy. You don't owe your inner life to a colleague or a relative who asks. You can also decide that now isn't the moment, and come back to it later. Plenty of people work through things by walking, writing or simply giving them time.

A few questions may help you tell the difference:

• Could you talk about this if you wanted to, or does the thought of it feel impossible?
• Does the feeling fade with time, or does it keep returning?
• Is keeping it to yourself costing you sleep, closeness or energy?

Only you can answer these, and there is no score at the end.

What research says about keeping feelings in

Studies link habitually hiding feelings with lower wellbeing, though they mostly show a connection rather than proving a cause. Researchers often call this habit suppression: keeping a feeling from showing once it has already arrived.

In a set of five studies, Gross and John found that people who habitually suppressed their feelings reported more negative emotion and less positive emotion, worse functioning in their relationships, and lower wellbeing. That last link makes intuitive sense. If people never see what you feel, it can be harder for them to get close to you.

There is also a longer-term study. Researchers following 729 people in the US over 12 years found higher scores on an emotion suppression scale were associated with a greater risk of earlier death. You may see headlines about this, so it's worth being careful. It was one fairly small observational study. It can't show that hiding feelings caused anything, the authors themselves say more work is needed, and it says nothing about what will happen to any one person.

So the research is a reason to take the habit seriously. It isn't a reason to be frightened of it, or to feel that you have been doing something dangerous.

Why putting a feeling into words can help

Naming a feeling appears to change how the brain responds to it, at least in the short term and in laboratory conditions. You may not need a long conversation or a good explanation. Even a rough word for it counts.

In a brain imaging study at UCLA, people looked at emotional images and either labelled the feeling shown or did a different task. Labelling went along with a smaller response in the amygdala, a brain region involved in emotional reactions. This was a lab task with pictures, not a conversation about someone's life, so it doesn't tell us what talking will do for you. It does fit with something many people notice: a feeling can seem less shapeless once it has a name.

Saying a thing aloud can also slow it down. Thoughts can loop quickly and quietly. Spoken sentences have to come one at a time, and you hear them as you say them. Sometimes you only find out what you think when you hear yourself say it. Sometimes what you say doesn't sound quite right, which is useful to know too.

How to start, if you want to

Start small and keep the stakes low. You don't have to tell anyone everything, and you don't have to start with a person at all.

Find a word first. At some point today, try finishing the sentence "Right now I feel…" Tired counts. Annoyed counts. "I don't know" counts. Our guide on how to talk about your feelings when you can't find the words has more on this.

Say it aloud alone. In the car, in the shower, on a walk. It can feel odd for a minute or two, and nobody needs to hear it.

Write a few lines first. The NHS suggests jotting down some thoughts before you talk to someone, on your phone or on paper.

Share one small part with someone you trust. The NHS offers a simple opening: "I have been feeling stressed and I just need someone to talk to." You can change the word to suit you.

Say what you want from them. Many people jump to fixing things because they think that's their job. "I don't need advice, I just want to say this out loud" can spare you both.

Choose an easy setting. The NHS mentions a walk, a car journey or cooking together. Side by side, with something to do, can be easier than sitting face to face. Don't wait for the perfect moment, as it may not come.

Let the first attempt be clumsy. One conversation doesn't have to cover everything. You can stop, and you can come back to it.

If the people around you aren't the right ones for this, that's also worth knowing. Not everyone has someone they can say these things to, and needing another place to say them is common. We've written about options for talking things through outside therapy.

Talking things through without another person

Some people find it easier to start where nobody is looking back at them. A journal works for this, and so does a voice memo you delete afterwards. So can a tool built for the purpose.

Life Conversation is one of those. It's a spoken conversation in your browser: you say what's on your mind, it listens and asks about your own words, and the thinking stays with you. You can type if you prefer. Memory is off until you turn it on, and nothing needs installing.

It's software, not a person. It isn't therapy and it isn't an emergency service. It won't replace the people in your life, and it isn't meant to. Some people may use it as a place to find the words before saying them to someone else, and some may just want somewhere to say them once. If you'd like to try it, you can start a conversation here. The free plan has an hour of conversation a month, with no card needed.

When to talk to someone

Consider speaking to your GP or a mental health professional if your feelings are getting in the way of everyday life, or if you've been carrying something for a long time and it isn't easing. The NHS page on talking about your mental health lists other places to start. In England, you can also refer yourself to NHS talking therapies without seeing a GP first.

If you are thinking about harming yourself, or feel you can't keep yourself safe, please reach out now. In the UK, call 999 in an emergency, or call Samaritans free on 116 123 at any time. If you're elsewhere, your local emergency number or a crisis line can help.

FAQ

Is it bad not to talk about your feelings?

Not in itself. Everyone keeps some things private, and that can be healthy. It's worth looking at when you feel unable to talk rather than choosing not to, or when keeping things in is affecting your sleep, your relationships or your energy.

Why is it important to talk about your feelings?

Talking can help you work out what you feel and see it from another angle. It can also let people get closer to you. The NHS says that talking to someone can help you see things differently and find a way forward. It doesn't have to be a big conversation, and it doesn't have to happen today.

Where can I talk about my feelings?

You could start with a friend or relative you trust, your GP, or Samaritans on 116 123 in the UK. Some people prefer a private space first, such as a journal, a voice note or a spoken tool like Life Conversation, which is software and not therapy.

How do you learn to talk about your feelings?

Mostly in small steps. Start by naming one feeling a day, even roughly. Then try saying it aloud alone, and then share one small part with someone you trust. It often feels awkward at first, and the NHS notes that it can get easier with practice.