How to Talk About Your Feelings When You Can't Find the Words

To talk about your feelings, start small: pick one person or one private place, name one feeling in plain words, and say what you want from the conversation. You do not need the whole story, the right vocabulary or a reason. "I've been feeling flat and I don't really know why" is a complete start.

That is the short version of how to talk about your feelings. The rest of this guide covers finding the words, choosing who to tell, what to say when it comes out badly, and what to do if there is nobody you want to tell right now.

Why talking about your feelings can be so hard

Most people were never taught how. Plenty of us grew up in homes where feelings were handled by not mentioning them, so the skill never got practised. Other reasons are more immediate: you don't want to worry anyone, you don't want to be a burden, you can't name what is going on, or you tried once and it went badly.

None of that means something is wrong with you. Learning to talk about your feelings is a skill like any other, and it can be learned at any age. It tends to get easier with low-stakes practice, and it tends to get harder when the first attempt is the biggest conversation of your life.

Why it is important to talk about your feelings

People often ask why it is important to talk about your feelings when keeping quiet seems to work well enough. Research gives a few useful clues, though none of it says that talking fixes things.

Hiding a feeling doesn't seem to make it go away. In a 1993 study by Gross and Levenson, people watched a disgusting film, and some were told not to let it show. Those people showed less on the outside, but suppression had no impact on how they said they felt, and there were signs of increased activity in the sympathetic nervous system. It was one lab study about one film, so it can't tell you much about years of not talking about your feelings. Still, it matches what many people notice: a brave face changes what others see more than what you feel.

Naming a feeling may also do something by itself. In a 2007 brain imaging study led by Matthew Lieberman, people who labelled the emotion in a negative image showed a smaller response in the amygdala, a brain region involved in emotional reactions, than when they processed the image in other ways. This was a small lab study of images, not of real conversations, so it is a clue rather than a promise.

Find the words first

You don't have to know what you feel before you start, but a rough word helps. Try these in order:

Start with your body. Tight chest, heavy limbs, a restless feeling, tired for no reason. That counts as information, and you can say it out loud.
Pick a broad word. Sad, angry, scared, worried, ashamed, lonely, flat, overwhelmed. It doesn't need to be exact. You can correct it as you go.
Allow more than one. Relieved and guilty can sit together. So can proud and sad. "Part of me is angry and part of me just misses them" is often more honest than one neat word.
Add what set it off, if you know. "Since the phone call." "Mostly on Sunday nights." If you don't know, say that instead.

If you find this very difficult, you are not unusual. Some people notice that they have far more words for what they think than for what they feel, and it improves with use.

How to talk about your feelings: starting the conversation

The NHS guide to talking about your mental health keeps this simple: think about who you can talk to, jot down a few thoughts beforehand if that helps, pick a time when neither of you is rushed, and tell them what you need. It also says you do not have to say everything at once.

Saying what you need is the step most people skip, and it changes the whole conversation. Without it, many listeners will jump straight to solving things. A few openers you can borrow or change:

"I'd like to tell you something. I don't need you to fix it, I just want you to know."
"This is hard for me to say, so bear with me."
"I've been feeling worried lately and I'm not sure why. Can I talk it through with you?"
"I don't really have the words for this yet."
"Could I get your advice on something? I've been going round in circles."

Side-by-side settings can help too. A walk or a car journey means less eye contact, and silences feel more ordinary.

Use "I feel" rather than "you always"

When the feeling involves the other person, describe your side of it. "I felt left out when the plans changed" tends to open a conversation. "You never think about me" tends to start an argument, even when you have a point. Try to follow "I feel" with an actual feeling. "I feel that you're being unfair" is an opinion wearing a feeling's clothes.

If it comes out wrong or goes badly

Sometimes you'll cry, say too little, or lose the thread. That's fine. "That came out wrong, let me try again" is a perfectly good sentence, and you can always go back to it another day.

Sometimes the other person doesn't respond well. They might change the subject, make it about themselves or offer advice you didn't ask for. The NHS guide makes a point worth holding on to: not everybody will feel able to provide the support you need, and that is no judgement on you. It may say more about their week, or their own history with feelings, than about what you said. You can try again, try someone else, or decide this person is good for other things.

Also watch for the opposite trap. Telling your feelings over and over without anything shifting can become a loop of its own. If you notice that, it may be time to ask a different question, or to talk to someone new.

Where can you talk about your feelings?

If you are wondering where you can talk about your feelings, there are more options than a close friend or a therapist, and different ones suit different days.

Someone you trust: a friend, a relative, a partner. Not necessarily your closest person. Sometimes it is easier to tell someone a step removed.
Your GP: a good place to start if your feelings are getting in the way of daily life, and they can tell you what support is available locally.
A counsellor or therapist: useful when you want skilled, ongoing support from a trained person.
Helplines: in the UK, Samaritans are there on 116 123, any time, and you don't have to be at breaking point to call.
Writing: a journal or a note on your phone. Research reviewed by Baikie and Wilhelm found that writing about emotional events for 15 to 20 minutes on three to five occasions was generally linked with better outcomes than writing about neutral topics. The same review notes that a short-term rise in distress is common straight after writing, and that it isn't a replacement for treatment, so go gently.
Saying it out loud alone: in the car, on a walk, into a voice note you then delete. Hearing your own words can show you what you think.

Our guide to talking things through without therapy compares these in more detail, and if you mostly want to get something off your chest, see a private place to vent online.

Practising when there's nobody to tell

Not talking about your feelings is sometimes a matter of having nobody to tell at the moment, or nobody you want to tell yet. Practising alone is still practice. It can make a later conversation with a person easier, because you have already heard yourself say it once.

That is what we built Life Conversation for. It is a spoken conversation in your browser: it listens, asks about your own words and leaves the thinking to you. It is software, not a person, and it is not therapy or an emergency service. It doesn't tell you what to do. Memory stays off unless you turn it on, and there is a free plan with an hour of conversation a month and no card needed. You can read more about an AI that just listens, or start a conversation and say how you feel, out loud.

If you are thinking about harming yourself, or you are worried you might not be safe, please talk to a person now. In the UK, call 999 in an emergency, or Samaritans on 116 123.

FAQ

How do I talk about my feelings if I don't know what I feel?

Say exactly that. "Something feels off and I can't name it" is honest and gives the other person somewhere to start. Describing what you notice in your body, or when it started, often helps a word turn up.

Why do I cry when I try to talk about my feelings?

Many people do. Tears often arrive when something finally gets said, and they don't mean you are handling it badly. You can tell the other person, "I'm crying, but I'm fine to keep going," or take a minute.

How do I talk about my feelings without feeling like a burden?

Ask first and say what you need: "Have you got ten minutes? I don't need a solution." That lets the other person say yes properly, or suggest a better time. If you often worry about being a burden, sharing small things first can make the bigger ones easier.

What happens if you never talk about your feelings?

There's no single outcome, and plenty of people cope with some things privately. Hiding feelings can take effort, though, and research suggests it doesn't necessarily change how you feel inside. If keeping things in is affecting your sleep, your work or your relationships, a GP is a reasonable place to start.

How can I learn to talk about my feelings as an adult?

Start with low-stakes moments, such as telling a friend you were annoyed by something minor. Use one plain feeling word a day, even if only in a journal or out loud to yourself. Like any skill, it tends to come with repetition rather than with one big conversation.